I can’t believe that it’s been two months since Charlotte arrived. So much has happened in the past two months that they’ve literally flown by. Sometimes months can feel like forever, but then when we want time to go slowly, it seems to go so fast.
I’m halfway through my maternity leave which is hard to think about so I have mixed feelings about my little one being two months already. It’s bittersweet because you don’t want these precious days to end, but you also want to sleep and feel human again. And for us, we want to move and be settled in our new home, so we’re counting down the days in that sense. And yet, if I could freeze time, I would. But as much as it pains me to think about my baby getting bigger, especially now that I know how fast it all goes, I wanted to share an update on life with sweet Charlie, answer some of your questions, and explain why I have been a bit MIA recently.
Life with a newborn is magical, exhausting, overwhelming and amazing all at once. Life with a toddler and a newborn is all of that and then some. But I love it. I mean don’t get me wrong, when James is being a total you know what and Charlotte is crying and refusing to let me put her down, and my husband is an hour away ordering doors (oh, the renovator life), I want to cry, scream, and run back to my pre-kids life. But even on the worst days, I am so grateful for this little family I have and want to pinch myself because I can’t believe it’s real.
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my life. Even though it’s been so stressful to do a gut renovation, commute our son for over an hour every day to school and back, and have a newborn who doesn’t sleep and a threenager who is really pushing boundaries not to mention a dog who thinks she’s a puppy again, I would live in this moment forever if I could. I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember and to have a big family, and while we’re only four plus Dakota, I finally feel like we’re a family. It’s not that I didn’t when it was just James — it’s hard to explain, but it’s just this feeling of having a full house that I love so much. I don’t know if anyone can relate or if that even makes sense, but the bottom line is, I feel like I’m living a dream.
It’s funny, but I’ve been realizing that even though I’m ambitious and goal-driven, I never actually think my dreams will come true. I go after them hard, but I think I hold myself back by thinking they’ll never happen for me. That those kind of amazing things just don’t happen for me. I’m not sure where this comes from or why I secretly feel that way, but I know it’s holding me back. Even though my life is far from perfect right now and not exactly what I imagined it to be, having kids and being a mom has always been such a big dream of mine, and for awhile, I wasn’t sure if it would happen for us again, so having Charlotte and watching James love his sister (and his Dakota) has been such a special reminder that I do deserve what I want, that dreams come true even for me, and that I can have the things I dream about even if they’re not on my timing or exactly in the form I had imagined.
And after years of feeling stuck as we struggled to grow our family, I also feel like we’re finally moving forward. Now it’s at a million miles an hour with everything happening at once, but I guess that’s how we like to do things. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
In many ways Charlotte has been an easy baby, but I think that’s just because were more experienced and honestly, she has no choice. She gets shuffled around, takes naps on the go and in whatever vestibule we have – carseat, stroller, Baby Bjorn, dock a tot, my arms, my chest, dad’s chest, bouncer, Momaroo, you name it. She gets poked and prodded by her brother, who absolutely adores her and is so excited to have her, but also doesn’t quite understand gentle yet. Honestly, that was my biggest worry and James loves her, is so sweet with her, makes sure we get her when she’s crying and as soon as he wakes up or gets home, and even shares with her (which is huge). He’s still learning gentle, that she can’t eat the food he shares with her or breathe when he puts all his toys on her, but the fact that he’s never expressed anything but love for his sister warms my heart and is the constant reminder I need that even when he acts out and is pushing me to the edge, he’s the sweetest boy in the world, and despite feeling guilty that I can’t give him as much attention as before, giving him a sister is one of the best gifts we could have ever given him.
I know you all have a bunch of questions I haven’t answered yet and I promise to do a Q&A soon, but for now, I just wanted to update you on our family of four. And while most days I’m in stretchy pants and a tee covered in spit up, I relished the chance to get dressed up with my little girl recently, so I wanted to share the pics, because you know, if you didn’t take a pic, did the outfit really matter?