It’s hard to believe that in less than two months we’ll be a family of five. I’m excited and in so many ways it feels like a dream come true and something I’ve been waiting and fighting for for so long. But I have to admit, I’m feeling a bit terrified at the idea of having three children (!!!). I didn’t feel this way before Charlotte arrived, probably because I was so focused on making sure James had a sibling. But I am worried about what it’s going to do to our family dynamic and how the kids will adjust. It will be a big adjustment for Charlotte who is used to being the baby, and a big adjustment for James who will feel even more pressure to be more self-sufficient and to step up in certain areas. I already watch them vie for my attention and compete to get mommy to pay attention, especially as I am swamped at work trying to prep for my maternity leave and everything else and am less present than I want to be, and it hurts my heart to think of how they’ll feel competing with a baby who will need most of the attention. So I’ve been thinking a lot these days about how to prepare kids for a new sibling.
I know that it’ll work out in the end. We’re playing the long game, and I want them to have built-in playmates and hopefully best friends. I love watching James and Charlotte play together and laugh together. The fighting I could do without and it’s getting worse as they get bigger, but I also know they’re learning a lot from their fights (when they’re not trying to kill each other). But I think the initial adjustment is going to be hard, and it makes me nervous and a bit sad. I don’t want them to feel less loved. I do think though that it’ll help that I’ll be on maternity leave. Right now, I’m so distracted with work and the other stuff happening in our lives like selling our home and finding a new one and prepping for baby and summer and all that. Even though I will have a newborn to care for, which is no easy feat, I’ll also be home and not constantly distracted. Of course, we may be moving shortly after the baby arrives so that will be another disruption. But we welcomed Charlotte and then moved out of the city shortly after, and James handled it pretty well. I mean looking back, it was an adjustment. But we got through it and everyone survived.
But I think it’s important that we figure out how to prepare kids for a new sibling, so that they’re not caught off guard. With that said, I think no matter how much prep you do or how much you talk to the kids about it or get them books about the transition or try to make time for 1:1’s with them, it’s going to be a hard adjustment no matter what. They’re going to act out and there will be regressions. From my experience, it’s better to accept that and know that it will happen and it’s okay. Otherwise, it’s more stressful for you and you focus on trying to stop or fix the acting out and that doesn’t work for anyone. So I’m going to accept it’s going to be a bit of a shit show for awhile. We’ll all feel overwhelmed and have tantrums and act out at times, and we’ll get through it. Here are some of my other tips and insights into how to prepare kids for a new sibling.
Accept that there will be tantrums, acting out and regressions
This isn’t as much how to prepare kids for a new sibling as how to prepare yourself, which I think is key going into this because we all know our kids feed off our energy and reactions. Don’t take it personally. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t take it as a sign that your kids are going to turn into monsters or crap their pants for the rest of their lives if you don’t do something about it. Try to put it into context. They just had a huge adjustment and they don’t have the tools to cope and adjust. It’s hard for their parents, it’s hard it is for them. This won’t mess them up for life. It will teach them so many valuable life lessons and help them grow in so many ways. They will be blessed to have a sibling(s) and that lifelong friendship and playmate. But adjusting to the change will take time. Anticipating it will be hard and the kids will be acting out will help make it more manageable or at least understandable when it happens and hopefully, make you less likely to respond in ways you don’t want to in the moment (although there will be some of those). You’ll be better able to empathize and know it’s par for the course and just part of the adjustment.
Make 1:1 time for each child
This is hard when you have a baby that needs to be fed, changed or rocked every 30 minutes, but try to carve out at least 15 minutes of 1:1 time a day with each kid. It can be reading to them at bedtime while dad takes care of the new sibling, or picking them up from school and taking them to get a snack. I also like to make time for a 1:1 excursion with each of them once a week if I can squeeze it. It might mean an ice cream date, a trip to the grocery store, taking them to ballet class, or mommy-daughter mani/pedis. Once a week might be a bit ambitious. Once a month might be more doable and will really help give them that extra attention and special time. The fact is that you won’t be able to give them as much attention, especially in the first few months, that you did before their new sibling arrived. It’s not a bad thing. Learning to share the attention and that mommy loves them even if she can’t always be there or be playing is important to learn. But making that special time for them will go a long way in giving them the connection they need to feel safe, secure and loved and will help a lot with the acting out and tantrums too. In fact, I find my kids act out the most when they’re in need of connection and not getting it.
Go easy on everyone
The kids are going to act out, as I mentioned above. Just count on it. Instead of doubling down on discipline, afraid they’ll turn into total monsters or everything will go to shit if you don’t enforce the rules, try easing up a bit. Realize that they’re struggling and let some things slide or try not to overreact and take it with a grain of salt. Regressions and acting out are total normal reactions to the shake-up and feelings a new sibling brings. Go easy on yourself too. If you yell, serve nuggets for every meal, or just can’t be there for the kids in the same way, that’s okay. They won’t die if they have too much screen time during the first month. They won’t be damaged for life if mom is so tired, she yells at them for fighting. Try to take a deep breath and just do the best you can. Everyone will survive and soon you’ll find your new rhythm.
Get the kids a present from the new baby
Everyone recommended doing this, and it was such a good idea. We had a gift waiting at the hospital for James from Charlotte, and he was so thrilled. It definitely made him more positive towards his sister, and helped make him feel special even though she was being showered with attention and gifts. To this day, he always mentions how Charlotte gave him Toothless when he’s playing with him, which melts my heart. Plus, it’s something for them to play with when you’re busy with the baby.
Read books about welcoming a new sibling
You don’t have to be an expert in how to prepare kids for a new sibling. There are tons of them out there and they’ve written books to help with just that. Books are a great way to prep the kids for what to expect when the baby arrives. Trust me, they know things will be changing, and they’re probably anxious about it, but aren’t sure how to put words to their feelings or even necessarily aware of what they’re feeling. Reading books about it will help them prep, know what to expect, and give them words for what they’re feeling and ideas for how to handle the new sibling when they arrive. Some of my favorites are: Big Brother Daniel, Daniel Tiger: The Baby Is Here, There’s a New Baby in the House, Peter’s Chair, I am a Big Brother, You Were the First, and Babies Ruin Everything.
Get in as much quality time as you can
Your attention will be split among more humans moving forward and that’s just the reality. There are so many benefits that outweigh that but knowing that, I like to incorporate some extra quality time as a family before the dynamic changes. I am hoping to get in a vacation as well as some weekend excursions with just our little family to make some great memories and focus on the kids before a new one joins us.
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