Today I’m talking about one of the most common questions I get asked — how is the transition from two to three kids? I really want to say that it’s been a breeze and I can handle it seamlessly, because well, 1) I still think I want to have another baby and 2) I like to think I can handle everything myself. But I’m going to be totally honest with you here and say the transition from two to three kids has been a lot harder than I expected. In retrospect, it was a bit naive of me to think it. would be easy. There’s a reason everyone says kids are tough. And that’s true whether you have one or ten kids I think. Losing man on man coverage is no joke, and I have to say for any fellow control freaks, it’s almost impossible to have everything under control with three kids. So in short, it constantly feels like chaos. I always wanted a loud, full house, but it is overwhelming and I find my buttons being pushed a lot more. That may be because as another mom of three once said to me, someone is always crying, and I find that to be true. It’s like you can’t ever just sit and breathe because someone always needs something, is hurt, upset, you name it. So the hardest part of the transition from two to three kids is that you’re never really off, you never get a moment to yourself, and there’s always someone or something that needs you.
Despite how it sounds lol, this isn’t actually a warning not to have three, because having a third baby is the best decision we ever made and I wouldn’t trade this chaos for the world. But I think people don’t speak honestly about the reality and difficulties that can come with juggling three kids, especially three little kids, and how hard the transition from two to three kids can be, and then, like me, you think something is wrong with you when you find yourself struggling to handle it. I wish more people had warned me that it’s really hard and much different than having two. It wouldn’t have dissuaded me from having a third, but I think it would have helped me set up more reasonable expectations, better help and helped me to get less down on myself when things were chaotic and hard.
I think as they get older, juggling the schedules etc will be the hardest part (maybe?) of having three kids, but right now, it’s that someone always needs me, someone is always screaming or crying, and that’s really trying. It’s also really hard to not be able to help everyone at once when they’re all crying and knowing that the oldest often gets the short end of the stick in that regard because he is most capable. For me, transitioning to three has really required me to work on my patience and my ability to handle tantrums and screaming and crying. I find it all triggering, and I have had to learn to breathe through those moments but sometimes I find myself exploding and then beating myself up because I really don’t want to parent like that. It’s a work in progress and it’s making me a better person and mom, but that to me, is the hardest part.
You also don’t really get any down time. Someone is always awake or needing something or sick (especially this past winter) and so you really don’t ever get a second to relax. It’s hard for one parent to take all three and give you a break for the day with activities and schedules and just the difficulty of watching three littles at one time, so you end up dividing and conquering a lot and then you don’t really ever get much of a break. That also means I spend a lot less time with my husband. Between work and the kids’ schedules and activities, it often feels like we’re two ships passing in the night. Some of this is due to my family’s spread — 6, 3 and 1 – so we have one that naps twice a day, one that naps once a day, and one that doesn’t nap and needs constant stimulation lol. Three under three sounds really hard to me but makes it easier in terms of schedules and activities because they’re developmentally closer. But having two that are somewhat self-sufficient at some things is also very helpful.
Now, I want to preface this by saying my situation has been exasperated by a myriad of factors that probably made the jump to three a lot harder. We moved three times after Brooks was born and ended up in a new town where I had to figure everything out from scratch. I returned to work after maternity leave and started going back into the office with a much longer commute after working from home for a few years during Covid. In fact, I didn’t go into the office for more than a couple weeks after having Charlotte, so I never had the experience of trying to work out of the house and juggle more than one kid. When we moved, we struggled to find childcare as our nanny lived too far away so we had some spotty childcare initially before we had a set plan in place. My son started kindergarten, which is more “real school” and he has more activities and school things to manage than ever before. This platform started to grow and I wanted to devote more time to it. And probably the biggest factor here is that I tried to do it all on my own.
In fact, the transition from two to three kids taught me that I can’t do it all on my own. I don’t like having help. I prefer doing it all on my own. I want to be there for my kids, I want to continue to grow the career I worked so hard for, I want to continue to grow this blog and platform and community that I built and cherish, and I want my kids to have healthy home cooked meals and everyone to be nicely dressed and our home to be tidy and organized and well, you see where this perfectionist’s ambitions are going. The problem is that that’s impossible and I probably spent the first year of having three kids trying to make that all work and feeling like I was both failing at everything and losing my mind. I’ve since learned that I can’t do everything and that I need help. That needing help isn’t a failure on my part. It’s a necessity in order to keep all the balls I’m juggling in the air. It’s impossible to do it all. That’s a good lesson but one I haven’t enjoyed learning but that three kids forces you to understand pretty quickly.
Okay, I’m making this sound like a terrible, chaotic situation and I don’t mean to. It is chaotic. It’s loud. It’s exhausting. But it’s also the best. Seriously. Watching the three kids have a post-dinner dance party and laugh at Brooks trying to shake his booty or seeing the three splashing in the bath makes my heart burst. Seeing them play together brings me such joy. They’ll never feel lonely and always have each other and that is such a gift. When we have dinner, it feels full and busy and even when we’re alone for a holiday, it doesn’t feel sad or empty. When we go on adventures and vacations, don’t get me wrong, it’s a lot, but it is so much fun. It’s busy and full and so sweet. Brooks has brought so much joy to our life and transformed our family in so many amazing ways. The kids are learning to share my attention and love and to navigate their relationships with each other. They fight over food, which I think is probably instinctual, and it drives me nuts, but it’s also good for them. And how blessed are we to have three beautiful healthy babies to fight over the last pack of cheddar bunnies.
As some of you know, we struggled for a long time to get pregnant with Charlotte and experienced a devastating loss before Brooks. I fought hard for each of these babies and this family. There were so many days I thought it would never happen, and that has made the transition from two to three kids that much sweeter. It’s hard and it’s exhausting in ways I never anticipated, but having a big, full family is worth it all. If you’re thinking about it, do it. You’ll never regret it. Know it’ll be hard. Ask and enlist help. But also, know that everything is a stage. It’s hard when they’re little but it’s also the sweetest thing in the world.
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