Today Andrew and I celebrate 11 (!!) years of marriage (check out our ski wedding here). It’s crazy to believe we’ve been married that long and together for almost double that. It’s actually hard for me to remember my life before Andrew. We’ve been through so much over the past 18 (OMG) years, and during our 11 years of marriage. We’ve moved across the country twice, lived in many, many different apartments and homes, became parents to our fur baby /forever puppy Dakota and then to actual humans times four (OMG), bought and remodeled our first home and moved to Connecticut and a new home that we’re currently decorating, lived through unprecedented recessions and then a pandemic, dealt with job losses and career changes, promotions and disappointments, endured infertility, loss, and heartbreak. It hasn’t been easy. We’ve been through a lot together, and life has dealt us a lot of blows. Sometimes it feels like the second we get our feet back on the ground, something falls apart (and perhaps that’s what adulting is?), but through it all, we’ve stayed together and remained best friends (well, I would call him my best friend lol). We fight like best friends, we get on each other’s nerves, and sometimes we question if we’re going to make it through the long haul, but we always come out together. And here we are, celebrating another year of marriage. Every relationship is different so there are no set rules to a relationship that lasts that’ll work for everyone. But I do love hearing what other couples have learned about making their relationships work, so I thought I’d share the marriage lessons I’ve learned over the past 11 years.

1. You can’t change your partner

Although I’ve been forced to ease up since becoming a mom, I’m pretty controlling. Not necessarily of other people, but I like to control every aspect of my life — I’m very Type A and anxiety-prone, and I like to feel in control (probably why I hate flying). The hardest part of marriage has been accepting that I can’t control my husband. Not only did I marry someone who is not malleable and doesn’t like to be told what to do and controlled, but even if I didn’t, trying to control someone else, is futile. The only person you can change and control is yourself. I know that logically, but it’s hard for me to always put into practice. I remember one time, I was in a particularly anxious phase after having James, and was trying to control everything, from the way Andrew changed James’ diapers to when he showered to his career, and it was leading to a lot of friction and fights. One time it got so bad that I basically told him how to wipe his ass. We both started laughing because it was so ridiculous and crazy and it’s become an inside joke between us whenever I’m getting extra controlling. It’s hard because I feel like so much of my life and our family’s life is dependent on Andrew, and I don’t like feeling dependent on another person, and, well, I like things done a certain way (like how the pillows are situated or the dishes stacked). But I have realized, especially since becoming a parent, that I can’t control Andrew or anyone, even really my kids. If I want something to change, I need to change — my behavior, my attitude, or my reaction. But trying to change or mold Andrew into someone I want him to be is futile. I owe it to him to love him as he is and to support him for being himself, just like he does for me.

2. You have to make time for fun

When Andrew and I first started dating, all we were doing was having fun. Our romantic relationship actually started at a summer house in the Hamptons and it was one of the best summers of our lives. Our fun continued for a long time, but at some point, work and then life and kids started to get in the way of our fun. I wish I could say it was just having kids, but we stopped having all the fun years before the kids. I was really focused on my career and Andrew took a risk and pursued the start-up life, and we spent more time focused on our jobs than each other. We also dealt with some personal struggles, and well, I let my anxiety about our future stand in the way of a lot of our fun. When we got out of that rollercoaster, we had James and just trying to balance our careers and having a baby took all our energy. It wasn’t until the past few years that we started prioritizing fun again. I wish I could say it was a conscious decision, but it wasn’t at all. We moved to a small suburb and joined a club and met a bunch of parents with kids the same age as us and started getting invited to playdates and dinners without the kids and playing tennis and paddle and going to parties, and rediscovered our pre-kids selves. We began to enjoy each other a lot more as our social life flourished. I think I somehow got it into my head that we weren’t allowed to have fun at a certain point. That it had to be all work or all focus on the kids, and hobbies we did just because we enjoyed them and going out and enjoying ourselves just because was off the menu. Having fun together reminds us that we actually really like each other and spending time together, and building a community and shared hobbies has only strengthened our bond and helped us to be better parents. Plus, life is so much more … fun. And when life is better, so is your marriage.

3. Let things go

This isn’t an easy one for me. I forget nothing. No seriously, my memory is out of control. I have a crazy strong memory and anxiety and so I hold onto things. I mean I still think about that time in middle school when Tiffany* (*all names have been changed) made fun of me because I had big hands. I have a hard time admitting when I’m wrong and an even harder time just letting something go when I feel I’ve been wronged or when I’ve been hurt. It’s funny because I’m not necessarily this way with friends. I even feel like I don’t speak up enough in those situations — I’m not a huge fan of confrontation. But when I’m fighting with my husband, it’s a whole different story. I like to think it’s because I feel really comfortable with him and he’s one of the few people who I can be totally myself around. But he also gets the brunt of it because I will often go to lengths to avoid confrontations in other parts of my life and then just let it all out on him. The problem is, when you’re married, if you don’t let things go, you’ll fight all the time, over every little thing, and life becomes tit for tat (is that the expression?). It doesn’t work. Yes, sometimes your husband will leave his socks on the dining room table or leave half drunken seltzer can lying around or put his empty cereal bowl in the sink instead of the dishwasher, and it’s infuriating. And under it all is the assumption that someone else (me) will clean it up, which is what really makes me mad and resentful and remember all the other infractions from that day, week, month and decade. But sometimes it’s just not worth the fight. It’s easier to clean it up or to ask him to do it without screaming or sarcasm or ‘tude. Sometimes when he hasn’t gotten enough sleep or for whatever reason, and he’s just being a total you know what, I’ve learned to just let the short comment or attitude go. We’re all allowed to have bad moods. Lord knows I have them sometimes, and when he calls me out on them, it only makes it worse. Sometimes you just can’t help but be short with someone or yell or take something out on your partner and being given a little grace in those moments can go really far.

4. You need to make time to date

A few years ago, this probably wouldn’t be on my list of important marriage lessons, but I’m glad I finally learned how truly important dating is to maintaining a healthy marriage. Early in our marriage, I didn’t really see the importance of making time to still date each other, especially as life got increasingly busy and I wanted to spend time with our kids and as a family. But making time to just go on dates 1:1 is so important. A strong marriage is the foundation of a strong, happy family, and you need to make that time to connect and enjoy each other without interruption. Schedule it in — otherwise it’ll never happen. Oh, and it doesn’t have to be at night. We’ve been doing lunch and breakfast dates or afternoon tennis dates while we’re working from home and have childcare, and it’s been great. Sometimes at night, we get tired or a sitter cancels, and we poop out. So mixing in some day dates has really helped us keep this commitment and to connect each week.

5. The bad things are what makes you strongest

Some of the hardest things we’ve dealt with during our relationship — career hits, infertility, miscarriage, health scares and loss, NICU stays — are what have brought us closer and strengthened our bond. These have been times that have surely tested our marriage and getting through them hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies. But it’s been through these experiences that our marriage has gotten stronger. The scars are often still there but surviving these traumas and heartbreaks together has brought our marriage to a whole ‘nother level. The fact is there are going to be hard times and bumps in the road, but having someone to go through these things with, is something I’ll never take for granted. This isn’t to say that during these moments we haven’t blamed each other or fought or taking things out on each other, but at the end of the day, we’ve gotten through them together, and that history has helped make us a stronger team.

6. Don’t forget you’re on the same team

Speaking of teams… This is probably one of the most important marriage lessons I’ve learned. This is so much easier said than done, but it’s something I’m really trying to focus on. Andrew and I came together for a reason. Our differences compliment each other and push each other and help each other grow and heal. That’s what I believe a great partnership is about. It’s not just being best friends. It’s pushing each other to be the best versions of yourselves, and often that involves finding someone who can push you and challenge you as well as support you. When we’re fighting, I rarely remember that we’re on the same team. And the same goes for during the day to day grind when we’re exhausted and I feel like I’m carrying more of the weight of parenthood or household tasks or whatnot. But I’m starting to realize that if rather than butting heads or trying to change and control each other (see above), we came together as a team to achieve our dreams, we could do so much more. I know I’m obsessed, but I always think of Chip and Joanna Gaines. I read their book, The Magnolia Story, and they have always been a team. Chip has always supported Joanna’s visions and pushed her to make them a reality, and she’s always stuck with him despite his crazy schemes and the instability they’ve sometimes caused. She hasn’t tried to change him or resented him for choices that have put them in a tough spot. As a result, they’ve been able to build an incredible business and family and honestly, a dream life. That sort of life requires risk and talent and belief in each other, and I am really trying to use their marriage as a model for my own. I am not good at accepting my own Chip, but I am realizing that just because he doesn’t like to choose the safe path like me, doesn’t make him wrong or bad for me. In fact, I was drawn to him because he takes big risks and has the confidence and guts to do it, and I wanted someone who would push me to do the same. I’ve realized that in order to create a big life, we need to be on the same team. This also helps in the daily grind when it’s easy to go tit for tat or feel resentful, and I’m learning as my. kids get older that a united front is so key.

7. Resentment will kill a marriage

Our marriage has faced more challenges in our first 11 years than many face during 40 years of marriage. We’ve faced a lot of the toughest challenges early on in our marriage too. I think it’s a testament to our love for one another and dedication to our marriage that we’ve managed to stay together through these early-on challenges when we didn’t have the experience and years of life behind us. But it’s also allowed for resentment to build up. When we used to fight, all that built-up resentment would come out and instead of just dealing with the issue, we would be fighting over years of build-up resentment (whether warranted or not). The thing is that at a certain point, you have to decide whether those things you’re holding against your partner are worth splitting up over or whether you’re willing to let them go. Because if you don’t let them go, they’ll eat away at your marriage. You either choose resentment or the relationship, but you just can’t have both.

8. You need friends to Complain about Your Spouse with

Having other married friends that you can talk to about your partner with will do wonders for your marriage. I’m actually being completely serious. I have a group of mom friends and in addition to talking about our kids and our ambitions and goals and life, we regularly b*tch about our husbands. And it’s therapeutic. Some days, I walk away thinking about how lucky I am that my husband didn’t do [insert dumb thing] the night before. Other times, I realize I’m not alone in having a husband that does [insert insensitive/dumb thing]. And some times I feel like I don’t have to yell at my husband because I was able to vent and get it all off my chest with my girlfriends. I also feel like I have a support system when Andrew is being a total poop or when I need advice on how to handle a situation from someone not in the heat of it. Let’s face it: Sometimes husbands can be total idiots, and it’s pretty nice to have a group of friends who can roll their eyes with you and support you and make you feel like it’s not just yours, it’s all of them.

9. Your Spouse Isn’t Going to Create Your Dream Life for You

I think a lot of us grow up believing that if we pick the right partner, our fairytale will come true (I blame all those Disney princess movies!). I know logically we create our own happiness, but in the early years of our relationship, I still found myself blaming Andrew when my dreams weren’t coming true or our life didn’t look the way I wanted. It’s easier to blame someone else than to face the reality that life may not be exactly how we envisioned and that some of that is on us and some of that is just life. It also absolves us from doing the hard work of figuring out how to shape that dream life for ourselves.

10. Ask Yourself if This Fight is Really Worth It

I don’t know if it’s because I’m too exhausted from raising four little kids and building a business, or if I’m finally maturing after 11 years of marriage, but lately, I’ve sort of given up on fighting. I mean don’t get me wrong. My husband still drives me crazy somtimes. And we have lots of squabbles and plenty to squabble about. But we’re both quite stubborn and fights used to escalate fast for us. But recently, when we start fighting, I usually just walk away. Or just say something annoying like “Are you done?” I am starting to realize that there’s no point in fighting because we’re going to make up. Like unless we decide to divorce over him not helping enough with xyz, we’re going to end up making up and we might as well just skip over the dramatics. Plus, we’re four kids deep. We’re stuck with each other. I mean we don’t really have time to fight so that certainly has helped, as we’re both very busy with our careers right now and the kids are so much (four really is like ten), but I think we’re also getting smarter and realizing what’s really worth the argument. Most things aren’t. I’m not saying I just let them go (I wish I was better at that but also having things fester isn’t good), but I’ve learned to bring them up at times when I know he’ll be receptive to listening and I’ll feel understood and heard. Or, I’ll teach him a lesson without saying a thing. I grew up with a brother. I know how to teach boys to wipe the toilet seat after peeing and not to touch your special food. I can certainly handle a middle aged man who can’t find his right hand without me.

11. Be each other’s biggest fans

Your partner should be the one who roots for you the most and vice versa. Their win is your win. This is especially true once you’re married and have joined forces in building a life and raising a family. And I think this one seems obvious. But honestly, I think it’s easy to be so busy with work and kids that you forget to celebrate each other and cheer on each other. Like I’m tapped out enough trying to figure out how to help my kids navigate life and to figure out my own business, I’ll often forget to cheer him on when he reaches a career milestone or wins at Fantasy. I’ll be honest, I don’t get the hype around Fantasy and sometimes get annoyed at the time wasted playing while there are a million things to do at all times, but who cares? He likes it. It makes him happy. He spent time on it. He came in second (lol). I can hype him up. He’s always my biggest cheerleader and fan and it’s been behind a lot of my confidence to take leaps and keep going when the going gets tough, and isn’t that amazing to have someone like that in life?

I’m sure there are far more marriage lessons I’m forgetting or that we’ll learn in the next ten years. But I want to hear from all of you. What are the greatest marriage lessons you’ve learned over the years?