Wow. What a whirlwind these past two months since Baby Brooks arrived have been! I still can’t believe we are a family of five (plus Dakota, so really six because dogs are just as much work as kids and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying). I have been meaning to write a blog post about how we’re adjusting to life with three kids, but honestly, I’ve had my hands more than full these past couple of months and I just haven’t had the time or brain space to sit down and write out my thoughts. I can barely keep my thoughts straight to be honest. I’m not trying to scare you if you’re considering adding to your family. The newborn fog happens regardless of how many kids you have, because you’re adjusting to no sleep, trying to keep a tiny human alive, and recovering yourself. It’s hard because you start to get the itch to get back to life after a couple weeks, but it’s near impossible when you have a newborn. Of course it’s been much tougher this time around adjusting to life with three kids while trying to keep my head on straight. Part of it is that we had Brooks during a busy time of year — all the spring activities, end of school year stuff, summer planning. It’s been a lot to juggle. And then we’ve added to it by selling our home and planning an imminent move. But the bright side is that I’m slowly starting to feel human again and less like I need to go into the bathroom and cry every few hours.
With that said, I’m going to be brutally honest right now when I tell you about our experience adjusting to life with three kids. I’ve been getting lots of questions about our experience and my DMs are flooded with questions about the transition from two to three kids, so I want to fill you in but keep in mind we’re barely 8 weeks into it and as I’ve mentioned, we’ve had some stressful other life events coinciding with a new baby, including a change in childcare. But I do want to start out by saying that having Baby Brooks is one of the best decisions we’ve ever made and I’ve never been more in love or grateful for my family. I mean I’ve always felt in love and grateful but just as your heart grows with each child, I’ve felt my appreciation and love for my family as a unit grow too. We worked really hard to make this family a reality and it’s just as magical as I ever imagined. I feel so lucky to have such amazing, healthy kids and I love them each so much. I can’t imagine life without Baby Brooks and he adds such a special dynamic to our family.
With that said, I wasn’t expecting so much mess to come with the magic. I am a super organized Type A person with high anxiety. I’ve always wanted to be a mother but it hasn’t been easy for me to make that transition because it requires letting go in so many ways that my perfectionist, anxious, Type A personality has really struggled with. I hate messes and things not being organized and my schedule being off or not being on time or everything not being perfect, and well, once you have kids, that just doesn’t happen. My kids are wild and definitely not quiet, obedient, clean little kids. It’s been the ultimate test for me because I’ve realized I have to embrace who they are, meet them where they are, and let so much go. The trouble is when I’m stressed and overwhelmed and my life feels out of control, which it certainly does now, I find myself clinging to the things that help ease my anxiety — having everything in order, scheduling out my life, checking things off my long to-do lists, organizing and cleaning — all things that I barely have time to do and when I do, immediately get messed up by young kids who just want to play and don’t know a sense of time or that they’ve gotten their new clothes dirty before we could take a picture or just wiped syrup in their hair or drew on the couch.
And that has been the hardest struggle for me as we’re adjusting to life with three kids. I felt like I had figured out the schedule and some semblance of control with two, but when you add a newborn without a schedule to the equation, it’s just a mess. I have too many balls in the air not to drop some. Our house sometimes is a mess. Dakota sometimes doesn’t get her walk. The laundry piles up. I don’t get to all the work I had planned. I dropped the ball on Hawaiian day in school or the goodie bags for the class. For me, these things that in the grand scheme of things are so not important have felt like huge failures. The sleep deprivation and hormones are partly to blame for this lack of perspective but also my anxiety and struggle to adjust to a complete lack of control in any area of my life. I have found myself in tears more times than I want to admit, or worse, yelling at my kids, and then feeling so deeply terrible over it. I know it has more to do with my own overwhelm, constant overstimulation, and feeling of being a failure no matter how hard I try.
I don’t like just surviving. I am an overachiever. I want to thrive. Let’s be serious, I want to dominate. But I’m realizing that when everyone says it’s just survival those first few (or eight+) weeks, they weren’t lying. In fact, my number one piece of advice when adjusting to life with three kids is just to accept you will be in survival mode and don’t try for more. I think the trying to do it all as if I hadn’t just given birth to a tiny human that needs me at all times and then, of course, failing has made this transition infinitely more difficult, not just for me but for my kids too. Because when mom is suffering, the whole family suffers.
The other hard part about adjusting to life with three kids is the immense guilt I’ve felt when I can’t always be everything for everyone. The bigs are more needy and clingy and I can’t be there for them as much as they need and that kills me but also makes me angry. That’s not fair to them. I’m really angry at myself and the situation and under that anger is really that I feel so sad because I want everyone to have all the love and attention at all times and to not feel displaced or sad. Many have told me what a gift it is and important lesson to share the love and attention and that it gets easier, but the thought that one doesn’t feel as love and cared for or feels replaced kills me. It’s probably been the hardest part of the adjustment for me. It forces me to try to take on more than I can chew like taking two preschoolers and a two week old to the zoo by myself while wearing a diaper (definitely do not recommend) and leaves me feeling mad and sad at myself and the situation. I am trying to carve out 1:1 time with each baby each week, but it’s not easy.
I wish I had answers with how to deal with all of the messiness and struggles that come with adjusting to life with three kids. Many of these I think you experience adjusting to one and even two kids, but three is definitely where I’ve felt it the most. With that said, I also think I’m becoming more aware of my triggers and struggles as a parent. And I don’t think there’s a magical cure. Sure there are things that can alleviate some of this, but while getting extra help makes some things easier, it also magnifies the guilt I feel, so it’s not a cure-all. I think just powering through, doing the best you can, and letting life teach you the hard lesson of letting go and realizing you can’t be everything to everyone always and sometimes have to be everything for yourself so you can give to the others in your life is part of the transition as a parent. As I come out of the initial postpartum fog, I am realizing that this has been a time of learning and growth as a parent and person, as hard as it’s been. That while I’ll never be great at relinquishing control, I’m getting better by the day at focusing on what’s important and letting my kids be kids and reveling in the beauty of the mess that I know one day I’ll miss. Liz Adams has written about this quite a bit since she became a mom of three and moved to Charleston and it’s really resonated with me.
I think adjusting to life with three kids will probably be the biggest learnings of my life and largest period of growth. It’ll be the time that offers the most perspective and also the greatest personal challenges. But I am also so grateful for it all – the tears in the bathroom, the overwhelm, the mess, the chaos, the hugs and tears and love. This little family of mine is so special and I have never felt happier and never struggled so much. As Dr. Becky says, two things can be true. Adjusting to life with three kids is both the best and the hardest thing in the world, but I couldn’t be happier and that perspective may be the greatest gift that having a family has brought me.
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