I try to share thoughts on relationships or marriage or wedding pics on our anniversary each year. Frankly, with kids and busy careers, we don’t get a lot of time to focus on us or to reflect on how far we’ve come or where we want to go as a couple so this feels like a good space to do it. Another year of marriage feels like a milestone, and 9 years of marriage feels huge. In some ways it feels like we’ve been together forever (we dated for nearly seven years before getting married too!) and it also feels like 9 years of marriage has gone by in a flash. Guess that’s how life is now, right?
Last year, we welcomed a new baby, sold our first home and bought our second home, moved around quite a bit while we were between the two, and then adjusted to a new town, new commutes, new house, new family dynamic and new friendships. It was a LOT of change to take on and we’re still adjusting. It’s tested us a couple, as parents and as individuals. Despite all the transitions, which are really tough, we knew this was where we wanted to raise our family and are happy to be setting up the life we want for them. At the same time, we’re both figuring out what is the life we want. We can kind of see the big picture but the middle is still a bit blurry and it’s hard to struggle through those things individually but I would argue perhaps harder to go through them as a couple and as parents. You want someone to be the guiding light and right now, we’re both a little lost in the fog.
Often in marriage and relationships, we get to toss the things back and forth. Someone takes on being the big breadwinner or having their life together and leading the way or being the one with the vision to move everyone forward, and then it’s the next one’s turn. When it always just falls on one person it can be hard and break a relationship, but what happens when both people are searching for the way? Maybe this is what 9 years of marriage is like though?
With this move or maybe three kids or the kids’ ages and our own, it feels like we’re settling into a new phase of life. Maybe the suburban parents phase? Is that a thing? I guess it is now! And it’s making us both reflective of where we want this phase of life to go — it feels important because with the kids, so much is at stake. They’re young enough where decisions we make now will set up the direction our family will go and where our marriage and futures will go and that feels like a lot. At the same time, I don’t want to just sit back and watch things happen and wake up in 20 years and say we did our best, but maybe that’s what parenting and marriage after kids is? Now that we’re a bit more settled into our new home and starting to figure out this new stage, we’re both trying to figure out what we want and what we want to do with this next phase of our life and what is best for our family and for us as individuals and as partners, and neither of us has a clear answer. We get frustrated because the other can’t solve it for us or the other isn’t leading. It’s hard being in the same rudderless boat. But I think that’s the test of our marriage right now. The obstacle that if we overcome will make us stronger. I also think it’s probably what a lot of couples go through and why the seven year itch and mid-life crisises exist. It’s hard to grow and change in a relationship. Hell, it’s hard to do it outside of a relationship. And even harder when you have several dependents depending on you to set them up for an amazing life while trying to figure out how to be a parent and make all the hard decisions required as parents.
I do think this phase is probably one of the true tests of a marriage. Not that we haven’t been tested before but that part of life that pushes you closer together or could see you move apart into two ships passing in the night or coworkers rather than husband and wife. I’d like to remain the later, so I’m hoping after 9 years of marriage, it’s the time when we become a true team. Not that we weren’t before but I think now, with kids and more experience under our belt, it’s the time where we really have to decide to approach things as a team. When we start approaching our problems and blessings as a team — which of course, requires shifting our perspective to remind ourselves we’re on the same team, which is hard when you’re in the thick of things (or it’s bedtime lol). But I want us to remember that we’re on this journey together, for better or for worse har har, and that we need to figure it out together. It’s hard to do that amid the daily grind of parenthood and careers and when pandemics and recessions are constant. It’s so hard not to feel resentful and keep tallies and to wish your partner was something or someone else, especially when you’re exhausted and worn down by the day to day. That’s why I appreciate our anniversary. It reminds me of the early years of our relationship and the happy times like our wedding, of the adventures and hardships we’ve overcome and the life we were excited to and pledged to build. It’s a time for marriage reflections for me, but also to celebrate us as a team. Getting away for a weekend really helped that and something we need to do more.
I hope this is the year we go into business together (should I promote Insta husband?), that we team up on creating a home that we can really bond and grow in as a family, that we commit to more adventures, and that we help make each other’s dreams for this year and these next ten years come true. I also hope we can plan an amazing trip for our ten year (ahem Andrew).
So as we approach 9 years of marriage, I’ve decided to make #9, the one where we really try to have more fun together, to work together instead of against each other and to enjoy the life we created together, imperfect as it may be. Knowing it will never be perfect, but it will always be ours.
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